Dec 23, 2017

Happy Festivus!!!

If it's December 23rd, it's Festivus, the annual airing of grievances. Needless to say**, it's my favorite day of the year!

1. Online shopping. 

You want to stop the "war"on Christmas? Quit shopping online! It's ruining our malls and ruining Christmas -- no more circling a lot to find a parking space, no more walking all day carrying packages and stopping to scarf down a buttery and salty Auntie Anne's pretzel, and no more listening to Christmas music in October (unless you want to). SAD!

2. People who say "ant" like the bug instead of "aunt" like taunt. 

Just stop.

3. Exercise 

I go to cardiac rehab 3 times a week and was very proud of myself. Apparently that pride was misplaced. One of the nurses there told me to go home, hop on our (Mike's) treadmill twice a week in addition to the cardiac rehab because "the American Heart Association says we need to exercise 5 times a week for 40 minutes."

I told her: "I'm 65. I've been exercising for a grand total of 2 weeks. That seems like a lot." No, she insisted I had to do it.

I checked. (Always check everything), and the American Heart Association's guidelines for "physical activity" say:
150 minutes a week of moderate exercise, or 75 minutes a week of vigorous exercise for those looking to keep their heart healthy. For those needing to lower cholesterol or their blood pressure, 40 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise 3 or 4 times a week.
All that multiplication gave me a headache, so I did further research and found that earlier this year, twitter went crazy when a cardiologist at the American Heart Association's annual conference posted this photo of all the cardiologists taking the escalator instead of walking up the stairs. HA!!!

Conclusion: walk 10 minutes from the parking garage to Auntie Anne's.

4. Fake Cheerios

My husband likes to buy cheap groceries. Luckily, I do the grocery shopping. However, after my surgery, he did it and he brought home Fake Cheerios (and fake everything else). Cheerios are (is?) the perfect cereal -- it's got the lowest combination of sodium, fat and carbs that I've found other than those cardboard biscuit things. And it tastes good, particularly if you don't drown it in milk. Fake Cheerios are (is) NOT THE SAME THING. I don't think he'll make that mistake again.

5. Stamp Companies Who Keep Trying to Sell Me Stuff

Just stop.

6. TV

What happened to TV? They keep taking off the Waltons and Little House on the Prairie and putting on shows that I am not comfortable watching with my own husband. Plus, you used to be able to watch good shows for free.

And to add to this grievance, the TVs themselves no longer have an on/off switch. Did you know that there is no way to turn off the TV other than unplugging it if you accidentally throw the remote control in the washing machine with your sheets?

7. TV Commercials

Speaking of TV, the shows Mike and I watch have the following commercials: Colonial Penn Life Insurance, catheters, adult diapers, buttons you press when you fall down and can't get up, the Jitterbug smart phone with really big icons and really loud sounds, chairs that you sit on to go upstairs, scooters, and prescription drugs. The first time I was put on a blood thinner, the ER doc said to me (really), "You know that commercial of the older couple flying a kite near a lake? That's the drug you'll take." I'm still taking it and have yet to see a lake or a kite.

8. Stainless Steel Appliances

Our house came with stainless steel appliances (and a gas stove, but I'll save that grievance for Festivus 2019). I hate them. If a murderer comes in here and stops to get a bite to eat, you won't need the FBI to dust for fingerprints.

9. People Who Tell Me to Drink 8 Glasses of Water a Day.

I haven't had a glass of water in over 60 years and I'm still alive. The 8 glasses a day thing is a myth (or as I like to say, a lie) perpetuated by the same people who bring exercise recommendations....

And finally,

**10. Sentences that start with "Needless to Say." 


So, Happy Festivus!!! Looking forward to reading your list of grievances!


Diana K said...

Happy Festivus, Joan! And wouldn’t you know it, we’re doing our family dinner tonight. Serenity now.

Patricia said...

Loved this! I am so tired of hearing about what is and isn't good for me. Just leave me alone. Happy Festivus! (for the rest of us!) Oh, and Merry Christmas!

Becky said...

Happy Festivus. Yep, we like The Waltons, JAG, and sometimes we even watch Andy Griffith. Our commercials are the same ones you see. I don't drink water, exercise very little, and have made it to the ripe old age of 62. You hit the nail on the head with your list. Almost like you were in my head. :-) The only one I would add is the people who live behind us who are retired and can sleep late, have loud parties that last way into the night, on their back porch, which faces our bedroom windows. This wouldn't be a problem, but I live in Florida, and I like to sleep with the windows open when it's cool. And I also have to go to work in the morning. They are snowbirds, so they are only here in the winter (when it's cool and I can sleep with the windows open).

Anyway, Merry Christmas.

judkajudi said...

After you reach a certain age, every issue you bring up at a doctor's visit is attributed to your age and is to be expected!

Jeanne H said...

Your Festivus issues spoke to me too. I'll add these: 1. a daughter always sharing all her problems and doesn't want ANY advice. 2. The whopping $2 raise in Social Security. 3. People who don't follow the no smoking rules in and near my apartment building.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Teresa Doyle said...

LOL. Joan, you are "my kind of gal!" with my sense of humour. So I will cut to the chase....I am a 58 y/o grandma of two young grandsons, I love water(and drink a lot of it) however, I am not much for exercise (but am not over weight) yet I realize I am a "heart candidate"! The new year is upon us and because of you, I will try to do better...Thanks for being real and have a wonderful Christmas with Mike!

Lisa Kind said...

Hahaha! Im with you on the stainless steel appliances! Funny but accurate post! Happy Festivus!

Karen @ Misplaced Mojo said...

I second those and add to them... 1. economy toilet paper used in public restrooms, 2. public restrooms, for that matter, 3. posts from craft bloggers that just make me want new products, and 4. not enough posts from craft bloggers showing me more things I can do with the stuff they already convinced me I had to have in their previous posts ;-) I need to learn in 2018 to spend more time actually crafting instead of wasting 12 hours on the internet looking to see what everyone else is crafting. Ever happen to you?!? Happy Festivus! Hope you have a very happy holiday season and a healthy and happy 2018!

luvhymns said...

Love your top 10 grievances.. #11, finding you just got a product sale recommendation from a well known stamper only to see their best product on sale is the next model up for only $30 more because it has a power cord and not run on batteries.... Being thankful for the $10 model.

Meg M. said...

This is a great list, Joan. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face today. Happy Festivus!

Leslie Miller said...

#7 must be the same shows I watch. #9 -- Rich collapsed in the yard from dehydration and spent the evening in the ER. Pretty darn scary. Now he drinks water. #10 -- Needless to say, it's needless to say "needless to say" if it's needless to say.

Marcia P said...

Loved your list, Joan, but I have to agree with others that water is good for us. I hope you'll rethink that one. I have two gripes to share: first, people who are too, too busy to push their grocery cart into the "corral" outside the store; and second, people who sit so long at a left-turn arrow at a busy intersection that only two cars can get through. Needless to say, I'm happy to hear you're doing so much better and will be around to share your humor and insights with us.

JanetB said...

Thank you for the great list, and to all the others who added their own Festivus ideas. I missed this post until today, but I am happy to know that we all ,mostly think alike. Happy 2018!

Carol Rose said...

Pronouncing 'aunt' as 'ant' is not wrong. It's the British way. As Canadians we pronounce some words the British way and some words the American way. Usually here we say 'ant'. Another example is 'herb' you can pronounce it with the 'h', or the 'h' can be silent. Also, some words we spell differently.

Joan B said...

I understand!!!

Marie said...

Ahhh, Joan! You sound better! Love your sense of humor and really enjoyed this post. Love my white appliances. (Do you know that some companies now charge a premium for white?)

I have always exercised; in some form. I can't say I was an athlete; but I did something. Aerobic dancing, swimming, figure skating, walking, (a two year stint of short triathlons), but there were always gaps of time where I didn't. I am 61 and I just had a very long gap of almost two years. I'm back at it again and I can tell that I needed to. It's going to take awhile to get my endurance back and my breathing stronger. But, I comfort myself by telling myself that I am still better off than most of the population.

And so are you. You took a huge step to improve your health with surgery and you are actually going to rehab. Many don't. There is always that pivotal moment when it won't be so much work and it will get easier. I hope by graduation you will be more confident about your health and feel better!

Take care!